Last winter I was very upset with God -- even angry (a very dangerous attitude). My soul and spirit were so tired. I felt that God and life had dealt me a deathblow. Usually during such days of trial, the knowledge that in the end I will be closer to God and walking on higher ground helps me live through the difficult time with courage and stability. But this time was different.
You see, the happening I feared most had occurred. I had prayed for years that I might not be given this cup to drink. It was a mountain I could not climb, go around, or tunnel through. So I thought God would remove it from the face of the earth. But the day it moved out of its place He allowed it to fall on me. I thought I was fatally crushed.
At the moment of collision I cried, "God, how could you do this to me. Why did you let this happen?" In my self-righteousness I reminded Him, "I have done everything you asked of me; I have been faithful, believing, and obedient." I felt slain by the hand of God. And more than that I grieved for the loss of "my" God who had always protected and shielded me. This facet of His personality was new to me. So I was both angry and afraid. Wasn't He supposed to be the same today, tomorrow, and yesterday? I didn't like this new side of Him at all!
Then gradually I learned the truth. The fear of this mountain had imprisoned me. I recognized then that He had tried to free me in many different ways. None of them were successful because of human nature and free will. Finally He took a very blunt course of action to loose me. He acted in love, risking my alienation and misunderstanding. I also realized that I had lost nothing in the catastrophic scene that was of eternal value. No spiritual treasure had been destroyed. Suddenly my bitterness, anger, and yes, even hatred for both God and man vanished. I was free as I had never before been free. And it was so good. I learned something new about myself, too. "I found during my severest winter that within me lives an invincible summer." And God had known it all the time. Praise His Holy Name!